Saturday, December 31, 2011

Good-bye, 2011...

... I hated you.

I've been trying to motivate myself to write a blog post for almost six weeks. I wanted to give some sign that all was well, that I'm alive and fine and engaged. Probably the biggest problem is that hasn't been true. I've been depressed and over-extended, distracted by the holidays and disconnected from how I really feel.

Lanie is amazing. She'll be 13 in May and for the most part she's still energetic and insane. We've noticed lately she's getting quite a bit grayer on her chest and forelegs, the whole front end of her elegantly fading as befits a lady of her esteemed age. She has also, without doubt, become much more cuddly.

Just this morning she woke up early, peed on the living room rug, and then came and curled up between us in bed.

We agree that a new brother will be a good thing for her. Sure, she'll spend a while pooping in furious protest at the loss of attention and competition for resources. That's reasonable. She's entitled to let us know how she feels. Anyway, she only goes in one spot on the rug, so we keep that covered with plastic under a towel for easy clean-up.

A lot of my "dog friends" spoke to me, in the early days after I lost my Drive, about how the need for a new dog was intense and immediate. It doesn't happen with people, does it? I certainly don't want a new mother or new grandparents. But when I had to say good-bye to my Drive, the only thing I could think of to make any sense out of the world again was to put my arms around another dog.

What was best for me wasn't best for us as a family. That was harder than I can say, and I know that contributed to the depression I've been wrapped in for weeks. This was the first time in years that I've been in that terrible dark place and not had my Drive to whisper to. It spiraled quickly.

I want to stop this spiral. I want off. I want a new dog. I want to meet the friend that's waiting. I'm so very ready.

And I'm here to let you know that I'm alive. This year has to be better. And coming sometime in January I hope to be able to introduce you to the newest member of our family. Soon, soon!

I hope 2012 bring amazing things for you, my friends. I wish you all the best.


  1. So glad to see you back. Losing is a dog is indescribable. I have always had a need to open up a new space in my heart with every dog we have lost, I can completely relate.

    Happy New Year and I'm looking forward to meeting your new friend.

  2. Your writings get my complete attention. I wish you all the best in the coming year and your quest for a wonderful new confidante.

  3. Alisha, I totally understand the need to adopt right away and also the what's best for my family thing. I am so looking forward to meeting your new family member when ever that moment comes. I hope you and Sharon are plotting this at this moment. Thinking of you today. deb

  4. I still can't believe I never got to meet Drive. He seems to have been one hell of a dog. I look forward to meeting any new family members myself.

  5. Alisha, I have never met you and didn't have the privilege of knowing your beloved Drive, but I cried hard that day that I read of his passing. My heart broke for you. I have come to believe that you are honoring the memory and the importance that a loved dog has in your life, when you a add new one to your family after they're gone. You acknowledge that they had been so special that you can't be without that bond. You can't replace them nor fill the hole that is left, but you can love another. They all are so very special, each in their own way, in their own time. My best to you, your family and the next lucky dog that finds you.

  6. Glad to know you're still alive even if you're not OK yet. I'm also glad to know I'm not the only person who feels a need to give another dog a new home and lots of love after having suffered the devastation of losing one.

    2012 must be an improvement for you:) Lanie sounds like she is full of optimism and is going to enjoy having a new brother or sister. Can't wait to read all about him/her. All the very best to your too.

  7. I had to comment on how incredibly beautiful Lanie is. I have a girl grey, Molly, my tomboy.

    Hang in there. The year that we're leaving tonight has been a toughie -- next year will be better --

    Cindy, fellow dog lover and depressee

  8. So glad to hear from you. Can't wait to hear about the new love in your life.

    Take care my friend and Happy New Year!

  9. I'm glad to see you back to posting, too, even though I keep track of you on Facebook like a ninja stalker. I agree, 2012 has to be better!

    I also admit that I laughed when I read about Lanie and peeing on the carpet and pooping in anger! We need to do some checking to see if she was related to Lilac, because that sure sounds like our old bird. I hope you and the new hound will be coming to Gettysburg again! Just seeing you once a year doesn't seem often enough. We're trying to start planning for the trip now that the holidays are over.

  10. Here's to 2012.

    When you're ready, the spiral will fall away and the light will begin to shine in. :)

  11. Happy New Year you guys!!!! I am betting this one will be a good one. woo woo woo!

  12. Oh, I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful Drive and what a rough season this is. I hope the coming year is so much better for you. Sending you mental hugs ♥♥♥

  13. Alisha I couldn't help but cry when I read this. I can only begin to imagine the pain you must feel in losing such a special friend and confidant. I never met Drive face to face and I cried for several days when he left this world. Its good to see you writing again. I hope you will continue as I truly believe it is a healthy way for you to express how you are feeling. I want to wish you and your family much peace, happiness and prosperity for the new year. Hopefully if its meant to be a new special friend will come along for both you and Lanie. Thinking of you. Teressa

  14. I hope that this year brings you more good things than you could have imagined for yourself. And, a new dog? Lucky animal; lucky you.

  15. And I, My Friend, wish YOU all the best for 2012. I couldn't be happier to hear that you're on the path to getting another dog. . . Lainie will be thrilled (eventually), I'm sure, and I know there's another special dog out there, just waiting to be welcomed into your loving arms.